I lay on the paper-like hospital bed of the emergency room. a hole in my left arm let drops of Dynatroy surge into my body like blood. slowly draining away the pain. as i silently and half sleepily lay on those sheets, a daunting realization washed over me. "what is the biggest fear of my life?" a resounding answer came from the parts of my brain not busy processing Dynatroy was "being left alone."
However, this realization was not scary or new. I knew it in the back of my mind, from where the answer came. I realized something else. what makes the fear so big?
It started when I was 4 and unmindfully asked my mother to promise me she would never leave me and to do anything the stay demanded in the upcoming years. The little things I would always do to please people no matter how badly things were going for me underneath all the concern. I would go out of my way to help others and always be the better person, the bigger person or the smaller person, whatever the sacrifice was for not being alone.
sacrifice. the bigger the sacrifice, the bigger the fear. the sacrifice of going out of your comfort zone for years for a person, the sacrifice of being vulnerable to them that you wouldn't be to anyone else, the sacrifice of sharing everything you had hidden. the sacrifice of laying down all your weapons and then prating to god that you are not judged for it. slowly it builds the fear and feeds it even more. for someone to leave after having witnessed those parts of you and your life.
when i lay on those white sheets alone i wondered, i have been good at making people happy, making people love me and yet here i am alone in this hospital bed. without anyone. crying alone at the reception. nobody's son and nobody's daughter. just laying there and surrendering to the Dynatroy which helped me drown my pain in a way humans could not.
often i have wondered that there must be something wrong with me. and lately i have begun to take that as a "so what?" thing. yes something is wrong with me, what about it? let it be wrong. if everything was meant to be right then i would have been god.
but i am no god. nothing is godlike about me.
the Dynatroy was almost over but my pain was not coming back. i wondered if that is what relief would feel like in the life outside my body too. but it never did. what is my life's Dynatroy?
i dont know, and maybe i never will. maybe something will come someday and straight away pierce my skin and shoot up my veins with such relief that slowly drains out all the trauma i have ever endured and all the pain i have cradled so long that my brain hurts.
and may i be left alone, for the sacrifices i and others have made by being vulnerable were never sacrifices at all, it was just part of being human
sleep well
