Musings Of A Miser

Sleeping deeply at night is a distant dream for me. Afternoons, however, present a more promising respite from my sleep deprived mind, today I wrote jumbled words consciously in my class notes which gave me some awareness of the state of my mind. The afternoons have recently started transporting me right to the epicenter of my subconscious mind, seeing things that I would generally not want to think of. Completely paralysing all possible forms of motor functions in my body. As a child, such dormancy used to make me anxious, imagining people moving ahead of me in that time. Children have a million other wasteful activities to keep them stimulated. I used to wake up angry and irritated, bargaining for the time I lost out in the world, the time I won't get back. That too with my confused grandmother, who felt least amused by this behaviour of mine.

Now, things are different. The constant chittering of the electrons in my brain need considerable power saving hours. I want to lose out. After all, this generation is not far off from treating our bodies like machines. To note one of the behaviours I have observed in myself so far this year, there is a lack of will power. Is there any way to rekindle interests or even old vices?

Everyday, I carry a steel pink lighter in my bag. Failing to understand what I want to do with it. Do I wish to smoke a cigarette? Yes, perhaps a Marlboro Advanced. To be utterly specific. However, the moment I see the cigarette shop, I cannot seem to make my way towards it. Something stops me. Do I not want to smoke alone? I do not understand this behaviour myself. These days I have stopped spending on anything. Barring the absolute neccesities like taking the public transport (even in this regard I find myself arguing whether to take the more comfortable bus or the cheaper alternative), I hate the idea of money being spent. Sometimes, I have found that I would rather suffer in an adversity, when I can easily use my monetary support to mitigate it. A miser, which is what I just found out the term for this sort of person is. That sounds too close to misery. Which is what this sort of behaviour makes a person, miserable. 

I promise I am working on it.